The Tricky Trifecta

Day to day, living with Aspergers Syndrome, Acute anxiety/depression and Epilepsy can be overwheling. It is particularly hard around people who don’t understand that you just can’t “snap out of it,” or “keep your chin up,” or “be positive,” or the other numerous well meaning phrases I hear that really aren’t an indication a person understands a person is listening.

No one likes anxiety. No one enjoys depression. Having a seizure does not feel like a carnival ride, except maybe a ferris wheel going 80 miles an hour and you can’t get off until your brain has stopped spinning and turning. sometimes even if you are on your meds. This is the fun I’ve been having lately…

Now certainly others have it worse than me, much worse, I have it worse than some. Learning about the Aspergers/ High Functioning Autism so late in life has given me plenty of moments that now I understand why I hate places like Ikea and can only shop online there. I understand now that sometimes places and events are too loud, too bright, too intense, and I just cannot be there. I love the idea of going to hear TransSiberian Orchestra at Christmas, but when they have a disclaimer that says, if you have any kind of seizure condition, please for your own safety, do not attend, I buy the cd and call it a day.

I did not know it at the time, but Chico has been a therapy dog in several cases. When I’ve had the seizures like above, nothing like a 12 lb weight on your face to make sure you are still breathing and he stays glued to me for the next 24-48 hours. The irony is epilepsy is the #1 thing poodles get in old age. So far, it’s just me.

Anxiety and depression are a work in progress. Sometimes I can go weeks without a panic attack. Now that I’m going on four months of job searching and interviewing answering the same questions over and over it gets harder to be enthusiastic or care. Just give me my job, a desk and insurance and let me go home. Lately I’m applying to things at USF’s international admissions office and INTO program and a few other places. Hopefully my smile is not (at least appearing) fake and plastic and I go on an anxiety free day.

We all have our crosses to bear, these are mine. Some days they are too heavy, some days I take my 20 pack of pills and move on.


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