Rage Left The Page

Believe it or not, I’m neither shocked or offended if someone tells me I have an anger problem. They are wrong. I do not have an anger problem. I have an all out party with rage problem. There’s no bi in this pole. There’s been no up in this downside. The people in my life I counted on the most have passed away and there is nothing to be gained by being angry with them. They did not ask to get cancer or ALS. The other, well, I did hear “I want to die,” since I was 1o,” so finally at 88, God said, ok enough. You win.

I’m surrounded by people who choose not to understand epilepsy or Aspergers  or how acute my depression is, because it is not their problem. They are first in line to judge you when you fail, and you can’t find them when you succeed because it’s irrelevant. I have been around the most judgmental, racist, insensitive people most of whom I’m lucky enough to call family. I am extremely cautious about making friends because if my own family tells me weekly about my weight, my looks, how my epilepsy will be a mark against me at a new job, what would a new person think? The older I get, the worse it gets. I can get to a social outing for an hour or two and am so racked with fear of being judged like my own family does, I leave in cold sweats.

I do know, I can’t change them. I can only change me. It’s exhausting and terrifying and between all the loss and change I’ve had, I’m broken in ways I cannot even begin to explain. I feel like my anger and anxiety has robbed me of a life I could have known but was scared to try for because I was constantly reminded I wasn’t good enough. Yet what I need help in, the occupational therapy that I should have gotten at 9 not 43 was brushed aside for beer and baseball. I do the Tony Robbins talks, I do the positive affirmations, yoga is out of the question. I live with this fireball of rage and resentment of what never was and wish the people in my life were different. If you ever have a child and cannot handle the special needs, please give them to someone who can. Don’t put them through a lifetime of guilt and shame for their limitations and claim they have none. Rage is on the page but we need a new story.

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